Solace and Solitude

It’s been 3 years since I’ve written on this blog.

Reviewing some of the things I’d written (back when I had both the time and desire), the feeling is bittersweet – a little depression because it seems I haven’t progressed much over the years and a bit of comfort in that I still possess much of the same hopes, dreams and beliefs.

I look back, tune into the present, and the reality that confronts me does little to encourage: I am still very much ALONE.

The independence so highly sought and prized during my younger years remains just that. INDEPENDENCE. Except that today, its value to me has diminished and, rather than seeking it, it’s become something I’d most gladly give up.

Wow. I didn’t think writing this (admitting the above) would be so painful.

I find myself at a season in my life when it seems like I have everything I’ve ever wanted – and yet something is clearly missing.

Of late, I’ve been asking myself why I yearn to be pursued and loved. After all, isn’t God enough? Shouldn’t His love for me be enough?

I’ve come to believe that nothing in this world can fulfill me but God. I love and adore Him and incontestably the feeling is more than mutual, but still there is a silent, painful tugging in my heart that just seems to intensify and come at more frequent intervals.

During this morning’s drive to work, I again felt the tug. I wanted to dismiss it. Set it aside. Not deal with it. Run away from the thought. But it would not be ignored.

Lord, I’m only HUMAN!

I love You and adore You. My life is Yours. But I also know that LIFE IS MEANT TO BE SHARED.

I miss having someone to talk to about what kind of day I’ve had. I miss talking about silly things and having extended conversations on the geekiest of topics. I miss just staying in on a rainy day, and doing nothing. I miss being hugged. I miss being taken care of. I miss being surprised. I even miss having stupid arguments and making apologies. I miss making mistakes and taking the pains to mend them.

I miss having someone in my life – someone who knows and notices every single thing about me but loves and accepts me just the same.

I miss being special to someone.

I know that God thinks the world of me. I am, after all, the apple of His eye. And I know that I encounter Him through other people. Those are the hugs, the conversations, the surprises, the arguments that I get. But I still miss having to call someone “mine.”

Up until recently, I’d been happy and content being alone. Being single was never a problem. Why has that changed? Why do I suddenly feel so “incomplete?”

It’s not easy having to admit these things to myself, even having to write them down. It is humbling, unhinging, even a little scary. Whether I choose to acknowledge these feelings or not, they are there. The ache is real. And it is something I have to endure.

My consolation is this: God would never have put this desire in my heart if He never intended to fulfill it. Because I trust in my God, I can be confident that He will give me someone I can share my life with. I know He knows the anguish in my soul, that He sees every tear, and that He cries with me. The man whom God has prepared for me may not come today, tomorrow or anytime soon. And although I wish he’d come by sooner rather than later, by God’s grace, I am able to persevere.

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Lamentations 3: 28, 29, 31-33

“Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust— there may yet be hope… For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.”

Psalm 42:11

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Psalm 46:10

Be still, and know that I am God

10 Things I Hate About.. Well, NOT You. (I think! :p)

What is a PET PEEVE?

Wikipedia defines it as: “a minor annoyance that can instill great frustration in an individual.”

I was reading a friend’s blog entry on the tragic traffic altercation that cost her cousin’s life. The incident happened at 2pm – all because some idiot with a gun couldn’t control his temper. I mean, SERIOUSLY. Yes, there have been scientific inquiries on the causes and effects of road rage but to DRAW YOUR GUN AND FIRE JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE FRIGGIN’ KICKED YOUR CAR?! What is this world coming to?!

I am appalled.

Anyway, the incident got me thinking.. What are the top 10 things that drive me absolutely NUTS? This should serve as a fair warning to my friends (yes, I’m speaking to YOU!) the next time I flip out. (Don’t worry, I don’t own a gun. Bwahahaha!) Perhaps if we all were more “open” about the things that bug us, we can 1) Exercise better self-control, 2) Be more tolerant and considerate of others or 3) Run away (just kidding).

This is my Top 10 List of Annoyances. What’s in yours? ;)

1) People who DON’T reply.

Uh, hello. What exactly is so hard about ACKNOWLEDGING, nay ANSWERING a question!? I’m not asking for a dissertation. A simple “yes” or “no” would suffice. Yung mga “I’ll try..” na yan, I take as a BIG, FAT “NO.” Not answering is just plain rude. Besides, I don’t spam or send forwards. If I ask you something, it means I WANT (and EXPECT) an answer.

(Oh, no! Chiko’s turning into a mean, cranky little lady.. Everybody RUN. :P)

2) Stupid questions (and answers).

Fine, fine. Not everyone’s an Einstein. Pero hello naman. I once called the house looking for someone and the guy said “Andito” and subsequently hung up. ANO BA YAN!!!

I have a reputation for being masungit and mataray. I’m not going to deny that. But please, the next time something comes out of your mouth.. THINK naman. I’m confident that you’re a smart cookie. Really. :)

3) People who CAN’T decide.

Argh. Can you sense the frustration?!

Sometimes, I find myself having this deep appreciation of them “caveman” days.. When, to end an argument, the Neanderthal would just bonk the woman on the head and carry her home. TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT. If I don’t agree, I’ll say so.

(An appeal to the MEN: You are supposed to LEAD. And even if we’re into this whole Women’s Lib thingie, we APPRECIATE and RESPECT men with enough backbone to take charge. This is rare nowadays. Dare to be different!)

4) People with NO elevator etiquette.

Our office is in Medical Plaza – where the elevators take eons and eat people. It’s also where I encounter the RUDEST, most INCONSIDERATE set of people ever to exist. Let me ask.. What is so DIFFICULT about 1) Holding the elevator door open so people can get in? and 2) Stepping out of the elevator so people can get out? Apparently, for most people, this is tantamount to rocket science.

Around 2 weeks ago, I stepped out of the elevator to let a bunch of people out and.. the people who refused to budge inside let the door close on me! I had to wait a LOOOOONG time for another elevator to come up. Eep.

5) People who talk during movies.

I LOVE the cinema. I love watching movies. Sometimes, when I watch movies, my patience is tested. GREATLY.

Hey, I react. I laugh – REALLY loud. I even scream. But I NEVER initiate a conversation during a movie. It’s annoying. A joke or a side-comment is fine but anything that takes more than two sentences to say just takes your attention off the film for too long. And then it prompts you to do the same and bug another person because you got lost.

Have you ever had to sit through a movie and the person next to you keeps asking questions? “Uh, I haven’t seen this either. Now shut up.” (Of course, I say it nicely but that’s what I’m thinking.) How about sitting next to someone who gives a running commentary during the movie? Look, if I wanted the audio-commentary I will go and get me the DVD.

6) People who spit or pee in public places.

DISEASE, anyone? What gives?! I find blowing my nose in public disgusting enough but SPIT? Tapos I can tell pa if they have infections because of the color. KADIRI. Totally unhygienic. As for the peeing.. Obviously, it’s the men who do this. Talk about confidence. Hmph. Anyway, it’s plain gross. Can you just HOLD it? Do you know men can hold their pee for 2 hours while women can hold it in for 4? How long does it take to find a bathroom anyway? We are not in the wild (although sometimes it may seem like it).

7) People who don’t flush.

I don’t care how close we are or how long we’ve known each other. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ANY FLUIDS THAT COME OUT OF YOUR BODY!!! I do not need to know if you’ve taken your prescribed dosage of Vitamin C today or if you are indeed a vegetarian. There is such a thing as COURTESY.

8) People who don’t obey traffic laws.

Yeah, ROAD RAGE! A couple of months ago I got into an accident because some idiot was driving too fast at an intersection. (No, the idiot was NOT me! :P) It pains me that we ALWAYS have to drive defensively because NOBODY follows the rules. Like, where else would anyone be scared to FOLLOW the traffic light for fear of getting into an accident?

9) Socks with sandals.

Hahahaha. Pet peeve nga eh. I know it’s silly to put, but sandals were meant to be worn without socks. I mean, really, what’s the point!?

10) People who wear sandals and don’t have clean toes.

This is plain beyond human decency. I’d personally prefer the socks on in cases such as these.


So there. Obviously, I’ve just had a bout of PMS. I don’t mean to offend anyone by posting this list and if I have, I do apologize. These are just my outspoken and unsolicited observations on the things that annoy me. Besides, ang pikon talo. ;) Again, this e-mail isn’t directed at anyone in particular. I do get around, you know. Hahaha! :P

Princess Leia Rocks. Yes, She Does.

A few weeks ago, while trying to recover from a very eventful weekend, I found myself going home early on a Sunday for some much needed rest and relaxation, and apparently just in time to catch Return of the Jedi showing on Star Movies.

I just have to say: PRINCESS LEIA ROCKS.

Probably risking scorn from the hard-core Trilogy fans, I must say that seeing her hold her own in the company of more intense (and interesting) figures such as Han Solo and Anakin Skywalker, I realized for the first time just how much I wanted to BE LIKE HER. These are a few reasons why:

1) She’s a princess.

What little girl on earth doesn’t DREAM of being a princess? Whether by royal blood, adoption, or by simply claiming royalty, who doesn’t want to be the apple of someone’s eye? And with the flurry of kick-ass princesses cropping up (e.g. Princess Fiona from Shrek), who says fur and fluff are simply for the wimps?

2) She's a tough cookie.

Princess Leia not only helped lead the Rebel Alliance, she was key to many of its victories. It was through Leia that they were able to intercept plans for the original Death Star, and, if Luke was unsucessful in defeating Vader, would be the hope of the galaxy. Plus, did you see her whizz through the forest in Endor on the speeder alongside the Storm Troopers? If I remember correctly, it was Luke who jumped on her speeder. This girl can ride!

One of my favorite scenes in Return of the Jedi was in Jabba’s palace in Tatooine, where she poses as a bounty hunter in order to help rescue Han Solo from his fate as a carbonite wall display. Sigh. See? Even Han Solo needs rescuing sometimes.

She also proved that she could whoop big, mean and disgusting hiney when she strangled Jabba the Hutt with the very chains he bound her by. How’s that for "warrior princess?"

3) She's a babe.

Whether dressed in a highly unflattering white jumpsuit, slave bikini or fatigues, she still manages to come out beautiful and alluring. AND THAT’S NOT EASY.

4) She can carry herself with grace, even on a bad hair day.

There are days when I feel absolutely horrendous. Maybe my hair didn’t dry the right way, or I didn’t dry it at all. Hel-lo, labandera hair! Ever have one of them ugly days? Not Princess Leia though. She carries her cinammon-roll hair with pride. If only..

5) She can be vulnerable.

Forget for a moment that she’s a strong-willed, independent woman. She possesses vulnerability that, while more often masked and scarcely revealed, is evident nonetheless. Remember the scene in Endor, right after Luke tells her she’s his sister? A definite “Hold me!” instance. Don’t we all need that sometimes? To be held and told that everything’s going to be okay? No matter how strong and independent we seem to be, sometimes we need that – admittedly or not.

Another thing: while it’s clear that Princess Leia is perfectly capable of taking care of herself, she still manages to let her man LEAD. (Granted, what woman wouldn’t turn into jelly the minute someone plunks a Han Solo into their vicinity.. I know I would. Hehehe.)

Seriously though, I think it’s important for women to know when to stand their ground and know when to submit and back down. I personally have a hard time backing down. I like to win. I like to come across as tough (kahit kikay). But, see, women weren’t really created to dominate. We SHOULD let the men lead, even if the men themselves are the ones who are hesitant. Us BELIEVING in them, LETTING them take charge - that’s what’s important. Baby steps, diba? We learn to back down, they learn to step up. Things work out better that way. Really.

6) She snagged Han Solo.

Uh, he’s Harrison Ford - scruffy, brazen, and insensitive. Still, deep DEEP down, he’s a GOOD GUY. With good intentions. An unlikely hero who manages to come through at the end. Isn’t that what we hope for anyway? That our men will come through for us?


Not such a silly thing now, is it?

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“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

I AM a princess. ;)

sentimentally foolish

I’m feeling a bit sentimental today.

I think it’s because I’m sleepy. Waking up at 5:30 isn’t exactly a daily practice, you know? Maybe it’s the travelling to Alabang and back, something I’m no longer used to. Ten years is enough. Haay. Or it could be the revival of my current Broadway fascination (JJ kasi!). Listening to music from The Last Five Years isn’t exactly hoppin’, ya know?

I remember trudging up the familiar steps of St. James the Great, my old sanctuary, where I spent many of my teen years – Antioch meetings, singing with Te Deum, and the gazillion weddings I’ve attended one way or another. There was a certain sense of comfort being there again, after so many years.

I used to think I’d get married in St. James. Hahaha. A far cry from what I envision now.

Do you ever get that feeling? Oddly at home and yet out of place at the same time?

Things are different. St. James is, and probably always will be, a beautiful structure. Despite all the golden embellishments and overly ornate fixtures, it was where I felt most like myself. Now, six years later, me being a little older (hopefully wiser), it leaves me feeling a little distant, detached. Yet I am still strangely drawn to the church, more likely than not because of the numerous memories tied to it.

Seeing my nephew during the confirmation ceremony, at his best behavior and sitting attentively in the pew across mine, I’m moved to tears. It's my (used to be) little nephew’s turn to make his own memories of that beautiful place, as did his parents. Like me. Like so many of us, who, at at one time or another, found solace within the confines of those walls.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

Eep. That’s what happens when you listen to too much Mandy Patinkin.

Can We REALLY Just Be Friends (with a little wisdom gained from “When Harry Met Sally”)

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP.

I’ve often teetered between believing and disbelieving that statement. In high school, I believed it was possible. In college.. Well THAT totally did a number on how I saw men and women. After college, it gets a little iffy.

Always having been “one-of-the-boys” despite being characteristically kikay, I’ve been blessed with a number of male friends. In fact, a majority of my friends are male. Maybe it’s because I like guy stuff. No idea why.

Sometimes my male friends get too comfortable around me it feels a little weird. Like they don’t even notice I’m a girl anymore and go all Fred Flintstone on me. My college and Alabang friends are like that. It’s a little flattering that they feel so at-home in my presence, although sometimes I really wish they weren’t. :P

Which brings me back to platonic relationships. Having been raised a little conservatively (kilay, go down!), I’ve always been careful in my friendships with the opposite gender. Why? Because the feminine heart is a delicate thing, and, if left unguarded, susceptible to undue attachment. There have been times when I’ve gotten so comfortable and felt so in-control of certain relationships when.. WHOOPS! Uh-oh. Then there are those relationships that just can’t go any further than how they are. That’s how things are meant to be, no matter how you try to turn them otherwise.

Lately, I’ve been putting aside a lot of my fears and anxieties and am again delving into the realm of platonic relationships. Of course, being a little skeptical about certain issues, I do wonder.. Is it really POSSIBLE?

Sometimes, men are just cowards. They can toy with your emotions and leave you dangling more convoluted than a yo-yo on steroids. But I choose to believe that the people who surround me are more mature than that, and that they know better than to “play” you. The world seems more hopeful that way, and it gives me a better outlook (if to some a little naïve, but I don’t care!) on life. A person’s true intentions will find itself revealed eventually. And the one who makes the pretense is the one who ends up looking foolish in the end.

One thing that encourages me: in church, the men are encouraged to lay down their intentions to a woman so there’s no ambiguity. So unless a man right up goes and tells you he’s attracted to you.. Well, there’s no room for second-guessing there. Whew.

Flash. Cue car scene from the Nora Ephron-penned flick, When Harry Met Sally.

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

I used to have this weird “pseudo-feminist” phase, where I perceived most male behavior as chauvinistic and didn’t have to think twice about belittling their gender. I had NO hope in men, ZERO trust in their capacity for monogamy, and couldn’t understand their penchant for uncouth behavior. Chalk it up to warped relationships, I guess, but it used to be so difficult for me to have faith in anything possessing a Y chromosome.

Of course, all that has changed, and the things that used to annoy me so much about them actually seem to make them more endearing. (Thank you, John Eldredge, for enlightening me and helping to chastise my twisted beliefs!)

Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

Look, the fact is that men and women are DIFFERENT. We CAN’T expect them to be the same. Our guy friends are NOT our “girlfriends” (three snaps there!), and aren’t made to be our shopping buddies, chick-flick companions or PMS-rant absorbers. So quit complaining. But that doesn’t mean we can’t get along PERFECTLY FINE without sex (or sexual tension or what-have-you) getting in the way.

Because I, for one, am really starting to believe we can.

The possibility for a non-romantic relationship to exist between a man and a woman lies in having BOUNDARIES. Boundaries are there to guard us, to make sure the awkward, silly (and sometimes horrific) stuff doesn’t happen. Whenever I recall my so-called “platonic relationships” having gone awry, it was due to the lack (or non-existence) of boundaries. Spending too much time together, making yourself emotionally vulnerable, being in an environment conducive to romance.. Those are the things can spell trouble for a relationship that was never really meant to happen in the first place.

The polar opposite of which resulted in the complicated relationship between Harry Burns and Sally Albright. Ex-lover gets married. Crying, highly-emotional woman seeks comfort in male best friend who has a (gasp) tendency to get a little too close to women. It was bound to happen. She’s so vulnerable. And so is he!

There are a million-gazillion other alternatives for solace as opposed to running towards such a dangerous, highly volatile situation (think: the pint of Haagen-Dazs currently occupying your freezer). You don’t have to possess an understanding of rocket science to accurately derive what fuels the attraction between an emotionally available man and a devastated, vulnerable woman.

Admittedly, keeping boundaries is easier said than done. It helps to remember that the reason boundaries exist isn’t just to protect us from others, but also to protect us from ourselves. I, for a fact, know that I’m very affectionate. I keep having to remind myself that men and women are different and what may seem innocent enough an action to me may not merit the same interpretation from another person. It’s a work in progress, having to behave more ‘appropriately,’ but something I’ve really come to be conscious of.

So, yes, I’m convinced that platonic relationships are possible.. Not always easy but possible. After all, if a relationship really is worth keeping, what’s having to put in a little more effort?


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Especially for Reg.

I know you didn’t want to hear it, but this should explain things.. :P

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The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance. Psalm 16:6

Aww..

To add to this whole marriage argument thing.. :)


High-quality marriages help to calm nerves
As published in: http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2006-12/uov-hmh121806.php
Public release date: 18-Dec-2006

A University of Virginia neuroscientist has found that women under stress who hold their husbands' hands show signs of immediate relief, which can clearly be seen on their brain scans. "This is the first study of the neurological reactions to human touch in a threatening situation, and the first study to measure how the brain facilitates the health-enhancing properties of close social relationships," says Dr. James A. Coan, author of the study, which is published in the December 2006 issue of the journal Psychological Science. Visit: http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2006.01832.x

Coan, an assistant professor in the U.Va. Neuroscience Graduate Program and the Department of Psychology, conducted a study involving several couples who rated themselves as highly satisfied with their marriages. Coan and colleagues designed a functional MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) study in which 16 married women were subjected to the threat of a very mild electric shock while they by turns held their husband's hand, the hand of a stranger (male) or no hand at all. The MRI was able to show how these women's brains responded to this handholding while in a threatening situation.

The results showed a large decrease in the brain response to threat as a function of spouse handholding, and a limited decrease in this response as a function of stranger handholding. Moreover, spouse handholding effects varied as a function of marital quality, with women in the very highest quality marriages benefiting from a very powerful decrease in threat-related brain activity, including a strong decrease in the emotional (affective) component of the brain’s pain processing circuits.

Coan is expanding his functional MRI studies in collaboration with the U.Va. Department of Radiology, to continue his exploration of the neuroscience of emotion and close social relationships.

Being Alone..

WARNING: THIS IS QUITE A RANT.


I really dislike being branded as “single” or one of them “Singles.”

Okay. Fine. So I DO happen to be unattached.. But being labeled as such tends to give off the impression that I am waiting to be “coupled,” which, for the most part, can get a tad bit annoying. Especially if you really aren’t into that sort of thing for the time being.

Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with someone (you know who you are) on how it seems like everyone our age is “maturing,” getting engaged, married or having children, and how it feels a little awkward that one would prefer to remain solo..

I see couples around me forming right and left. Is it the season for romance? I thought that only happened during spring. Or summer (since we don't exactly have spring here!). Kind of makes you think of supermarket sales, especially when the products are nearing the expiration date. Maybe it’s age and maturity, or maybe it’s the fear of growing old alone. Either way, I am NOT encouraged.

I met up with my girlfriends twice last week. We spent the time both reminiscing and filling each other in, mostly about one another's relationships. I say this with pride: I AM THE LAST ONE STANDING. Defying convention, I revel in my solitary state. Hmmm.. I tend to wonder if I come off sounding deranged. It’s not as if I dream of turning into an “old maid,” a little old lady who keeps a creepy apartment along with the stereotypical 99 cats for company.

The more I spend time with my new friends (food trip!), the more I learn to appreciate the differences between the sexes. Plus, it’s a wonderful feeling knowing that there are no hidden agendas because I’m learning that, in a very anti-When Harry Met Sally kind of way, there CAN be such things as platonic relationships. :)

STILL, sometimes I get scared of giving off the wrong impression – I’ve been told I have the tendency to be too “malambing” and “naturally flirty” though I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s because I treat men and women the same way, which I shouldn’t because they’re not the same. I’m now finding it a tad bit uncomfortable hanging out with guys alone. Forget that we’ve been friends for ages, and there’s no attraction to speak of. It doesn’t matter. It still feels as if you’re sitting in a room with a pink elephant that nobody wants to acknowledge.

Okay. Mikey just said that if he didn’t know me so well, he’d think I was flirting with him. Waaahhh.. :(

If men go by the rule of “Unless a man lays down his intentions, a woman has no right to assume,” wouldn’t you agree that the same should be said about men who tend to THINK women like them just because they’re being friendly. I can say this with CERTAINTY because I know LOTS of friendly women out there.

Maybe I’m being defensive.. Or maybe I’m just tired of having my affections misconstrued. Fondness is not the same as liking; soft-spots don’t necessarily mean romance. Ugh. Maybe I just need to go back into “hermit-mode” and be alone for a while..


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“Being alone, there’s a certain dignity to it.” – from the Cameron Crowe movie, Singles

*Thanks to Puffy for that quote that’s been ingrained in my head.. ;)

here's a little mush..

Today, I’m in denial.

I REFUSE to accept the weird things happening in this world. Mostly, I refuse to be saddened by the fact that 2 people who I hold very dear to my heart are moving on – because I know they’re going to better places, securing their destinies, and finding happiness outside where their happiness no longer seems to lie.

Instead, I CHOOSE LIFE. No.. I choose to LIVE.

More Henry David Thoreau than Trainspotting of course (Except that part about the hasty conclusion that we’re here on earth to glorify God – if that’s so, then I’m BUYING that conclusion! I believe, wholeheartedly, that we ARE here for that reason and that reason alone. Read Psalm 115!).. My angst-ridden days are over, after all! As opposed to my former self, I’m now left wondering what exactly IS so bad about having a job, career, and family? :P Security isn’t bad at all, neither is an IKEA-catalogue lifestyle. And children aren’t monsters, although they CAN reveal how monster-like we “grown-ups” can be..

I WILL NOT feel sad, stressed or sick. Instead, today I choose to "live deliberately" and “suck out all the marrow of life,” and open myself to the myriad of possibilities awaiting me. All things are possible to those who believe, diba? ;)

Because today I choose to fall.. and perhaps, in doing so, discover that I can FLY..